lemme take a breather.

I saved a draft of this last year sometime. I never posted because it’s sounds really depressing. why are we so afraid to admit that we struggle? so posting. I mean, I’m still struggling. so God, a breakthrough real soon would be cool. but I recently read the story of Job and re-read Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey (solid book, y’all) so I’m still gonna hold firm. I’m just real tired, but if this allows me to grow and develop. just- help me bear through the storm.
here it is:
sighs, wow I really get affected when people judge me. I recently had a surprise encounter with a lady felt like she beat me up, verbally.

“I don’t think you understand how competitive it is out there these days. My son had a 4.1 and relatively high SAT scores and he barely got into his school, not to mention his involvement in volunteering… etc. wait, I think he’s your age. he’s a junior.”

“people have been setting themselves up for success starting from middle school, you don’t even know.”

“I didn’t even have to force my children to take those strides in their studies. did I tell them that they had to take all the extracurriculars, meet up with counselors to figure out their direction? no, they decided to take those steps themselves and all I had to do was give them the resources they needed.”

“I think… you should really try to figure out what you’re doing with your life right now before adding more activities to your list.”

wow… instead of asking teachers whether they allowed us to eat or not in their classes from day one why didn’t I start off with asking how many AP classes I could take without killing myself. I was clearly not cut out to be a go-getter from the start. I think I missed a transition period in my life where making mistakes is just a part of learning and it’s okay and just made the leap to where making a single mistake could affect my entire future. now what? this conversation left me reeling while a friend of mine, who had been privy to the same conversation, brushed it off like nothing.  we had planned a day of fun with studying and hitting up the movies, but all I wanted to do was go home and lay in my bed with ice cream at hand.

the lady didn’t say anything particularly malicious to me, but I feel like opening up to people and being vulnerable just gives them that chance to judge me and tell me what they would do if they were in my shoes. well why don’t I just take a breather and you can feel free to come be me ‘cause I’m tired.

everytime I’m hit by a wave of negativity, I’m downed. it’s just so hard to trust God with my future when everyone has their own opinion on what future I should be building myself up for. my faith is at such a baby level, wow.  and I thought I was such a superstar christian. without security, positive attention from people, validation and success in everything I do, I’m already crumbling down and dying. I’m no rock against adversity, no being confident in the power of Christ. I’m weak. I want to be super rich and blessed with three children and no worries and when people ask me how? I will be that person to say with my serene smile, “all due to the goodness of God.” who wants to be this? a penniless college student with opinionated people, who is defeated by the first sign of failure?

mang I really wanted to end this one on a positive note of some sort.


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