the allure of being busy.

I don’t miss the stress and anxiety that comes along with being busy, and having deadlines loom over my head. but I do miss that self-importance that comes along, lol. confidence in yourself, in your own plans. getting to pick and choose your timeframe for everything. being able to put all of yourself and all your effort into one specific thing. it especially hits when I hear of people around me doing wonderful, productive things and I just feel like a lump on a log.

so here is the horrible truth, I have so much free time. so much time I don’t even know what to do with all of it.

I recently read a verse in the Bible where that I fully identified with.

james 5:5 “you have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. you have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.”

so hi me. I pretty much indulge in whatever feels right to me at the moment. eating whatever, watching whatever. no urgency, just quiet desperation. I let myself do this for a while. being busy didn’t make me happy. I pushed myself to do so because all my peers were busy with their studies, their sports, their commitments. and that pleasant self-importance that streams in when you deny hangouts in the name of homework, projects, or early bedtime for work the next day.

but I feel quiet nudges nudging me back towards the highway of life. a quote popped up for me on tumblr (that blasted site that I dearly love).

“Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there’s a tomorrow. Maybe for you there’s one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through you fingers. So much time you can waste it.
But for some of us there’s only today. And the truth is, you never really know.” Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall.

it struck me because that was exactly what I was doing. let time slip through my fingers like coins. and I attended sunday school this past sunday. we’re going through a study of colossians. and chapter 4:5 says “be wise in the way you act towards outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.”

and one of my friends spoke up and said that “time is a commodity that should not be wasted.”

that pulled at my heart. I can’t say I felt instant conviction. not like, whambam and I’m a new person. how can I immerse myself in things that I care nothing about? that was the fight through high school. I don’t even know how I made it through high school to be honest.

but lastly, what tugs at me are the long talks I have with dad. I think I have much more respect for his advice. he’s the only one that has been with me my entire life and I don’t know anyone who knows me better than him. (gosh, as I type these words I miss my mom so much).

he repeats himself nonstop like a broken recorder, he uses the same examples and compares me to my “successful” friends and he can be biased as heck. and the patience it takes to listen to his lecturing usually runs out by the time we hit the first hour mark. sometimes it feels like torture.

however, I can feel how much he cares. he cares so much. as he brings up examples of certain friends I can tell he’s hurt, because in his mind I know he is certain I am smarter than them, better, funnier, more charming, etc. and yet why am I here on the struggle bus going nowhere and they’re where they are at.

I can hear it in the way he talks about their parents. I felt a little guilty here. he’s a pastor, my dad. he’s always on display and so with that I am automatically also on display. I wonder what he is telling people who ask after me. and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that asian parents would ask after me being who they are.

I can hear it in the way he brings up what I am good at, telling me how he knows I’m smart, smarter than he is. also the father in him that tells me exactly what I lack, where I fall behind. as he brings up books, activities, to once again captivate my interest. inspire motivation. lastly he tries the scare tactic. threatening that I would fall far far behind, so far I would not be able to catch up, stuck working minimum pay jobs the rest of my life.

so I gotta do it. for me, for the people I love, and for the people that will be lifted up by what I am holding back. I don’t doubt my ability. another close friend of mine struggles with that. I am fully convinced that I am brilliant. (dad did good in acknowledging that in me, the pride in me would drown out whatever he said next if he refuted that). so the heart. Lord, give me the heart. I’ll fight the temptation to indulge, so give me back my motivation and hope.

also, help me fight temptations… lol. I need help in all aspects. I don’t even know how to start helping myself. so Lord?

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