i’m sad ’cause loneliness.

I am so very much an extrovert. where I draw energy from being around people.

I wish I was surrounded by peoples 24/7. loneliness is a thing and I hate it. there’s no such thing as “alone time” being needed for me. (lol, I shocked the heck out of my introvert friends with this statement). I am trying so hard to be content with me. with being by myself, all by my lonesome. because that kind of intense dependency that I have on my friends scares me.

I try to hide how much I love being in company. I say comments like: “I am ready to go home” after being insulted by my friends. and it slightly surprised me when edith was like “you’re not really gonna go home!” because of how completely true it was and how completely sure she seemed of it. or when we needed to relocate this one time because it was closing time for a restaurant and I was like, “we need to go… outside.” and edith caught me again. and she responded like, “but JUST outside, NOT go home.” and it struck me again. is it so obvious how much I hate going home and being alone? oh gosh, how I wish to be an introvert. to love quiet time by myself. now that’s sounds like a solid thing to find enjoyment in. no need to think twice about boundaries, being overly reliant, or just plain miserable when I seem to enjoy and need other people more than they enjoy or need me.

I love huge families. I’ve been “kinda adopted” into two.

firstly my canadian family, and my godfamily (gosh how I love them).

they are the most loving people I know and I wish I could spend all of my time with them because they love me so very well and so very much it is all so humbling because what did I do to deserve such wonderful people in my life. my heart feels warm and tingly just thinking about them. but distances is hard. and there’s this real thing where I want to keep my image that I’m doing very very well. I once wrote a really heartbreaking letter where I missed them so much I wished they were my real family and my godmother cried and I just can’t. so I don’t want to do that thing where I make them cry. I want them to be proud of me and rest secure that I am good and doing quite well though it may not be necessarily true. I watched this korean drama where there is this scene where a student is calling back home to his mom and insisting that he is eating all his meals and doing very well academically when really he is really struggling financially and eating a really cheap meal. and I just relate to that so much wow. everyday I think at least once about how much I wish to go back. everyone is sick of hearing me talk about it but it is right there on my mind what can I do, lol. I must vocalize.

second makeshift family, hi clan.

I spend a huge amount of time with these peoples, lol. and I honestly love the bustle and noise of people so much. they drove me home just now and not having to guide them and just knowing full well that they will get me home safe ’cause we go to each other houses on like, a weekly basis. that is something that is very nice. music playing in the background as they begin to dance along at the chorus. they are goofs. the silence is comfortable, but I also enjoy hearing their voices. side conversations happening in front while I lightly engage in conversations in the back. I wish my entire life consisted of these moments. of feeling safe, surrounded, and loved. and that’s when I begin to feel sad, because the moment will soon be over.

and so  here I am. internet-ing until I am so exhausted I have no energy to think about how extremely lonely I feel and the sadness that comes along with that. I have tried so hard at being ok with being alone. but it is all so difficult. when my clan is ready to have their own family family time. uhm merp, fomo is real lol. but hey, what can I say. they’re not doing anything wrong by wanting to spend time with blood, yeah?

and all this just makes me miss my mom so much. it is so very hard to find contentment in my own family. isaac is a baby. lol what can he understand. don’t get me wrong, I love him to death but like- I am still very lonely. and dad. oh dad. patience is required. I feel like there are moments where I fully appreciate who you are and thankful for you as a dad. but dispersed interactions with time limits are what works for us currently. and anita ahyi. I feel that slight ocd-ness in you and it has been difficult to find a balance between our very different ways of living. we’ve both tried, but I think that slight awkwardness will always be present. that’s just how things are.

my loneliness is so especially tangible in this moment, it’s hard to bear.

psalm 25:16-17

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.

(^accurate depiction).

I would also like to talk about when Jesus was in the garden of gethsemane. I cannot at all fathom what it felt like to be in His position at that very moment. but as He pleads with his disciples to keep watch with Him. I feel a glimmer of that desperation. so thank you for this trial of loneliness to understand our Savior a bit more and draw closer to Him. thank you for the family that I do have currently. they are good and I am definitely blessed to have them. but it is still very difficult, and I just miss mom so incredibly much ok, if you did not get that. (I really want to go to her grave and just sit there for a bit and cry right now the feeling is overwhelming) so please. draw me to nearer to You, oh Lord. and nearer still and bring comfort.

 

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