realtalk: for the glamor girl

al.

lol, what do we even talk about when our interests are so vastly different? you are my exact opposite. but despite maybe not knowing my current music tastes or current struggles, you know me in a vastly deep way that can only come from growing up together since toddlerhood. and in the same respect, I know you in a specific way as well.

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(^LOL. that was us in our nerdiest form with those circle glasses. gotta appreciate the time I was actually taller…)

I remember having long conversations with you into the late a.m.’s. there was this one time I was telling you something that was very important to me, and you even replied to me! yet to find out after about five minutes you were simply sleep-talking =___=

it saddened me quite a bit to realize how hard it is to fall asleep now for you when we used to tease you because sleeping was your all-time greatest talent. being able to fall asleep absolutely anywhere in nine seconds flat (I know this for a fact because I actually counted). yet now in the present, you need a lot of background noise and the t.v. blasting to be able to fall asleep.

you don’t know this, but your mom caught me glancing towards you when you fell asleep yet again during one of our movie nights. and she said to me. “alice needs the noise now to fall asleep. it makes her feel safe to hear us.”

I didn’t realize this fact until much later into the trip that you always slept in the living room because that was where the t.v. was. thank you for coming up to stay in the room with me on my first night back at your place. I was slightly confused to hear you tossing and turning when I’m used to you being an absolute dead log. one thing hasn’t changed, you smack your lips when you’re asleep, didya know? haha, every time I catch you doing that I smile a little because no one else I know does it. it’s like your trademark.

you know exactly who my first crush was and I remember yours as well. how amazing because you pretty much only date white guys now, haha. you’re the one that I told all everything to. giggling as we gave them nicknames so no one would know who they were when we talked about them. being absolutely horrified when your mom would tell us that she heard everything we said the next day. ugh, I’m still embarrassed just thinking about it.

your family is the kindest, most loving family I know. I know it can get hard when people seem to take advantage of your family’s kindness sometimes. it seems like all they do is give, and people just receive. but you’ve never held back with me. during my time of greatest need and sorrow, you embraced me into your family without hesitation. I had nothing to give back, in fact I feel like I still receive too much. but you remind me time and time again, that I am a sister to you. and that absolutely gets me.

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(^I love this one because I told us to make serious faces. but I messed up and made you mess up too.)

you’re not a perfect person, lol. you can be mean and sarcastic. I don’t agree with everything you do. I know you hold things back with me sometimes. but gosh, I still love you like heck. when I see you, I don’t just see the heavy eyeliner your lazy butt doesn’t wash off at night. I don’t just see your long witch-like polished nails and those distracted eyes as they glance at your phone at every notification (LOL, side note: but your eyesight is so bad. hahaha, you hold the phone like an inch away from your face). I see the you that promised to beat up anybody that hurt my feelings when I cried into your zebra-patterned pillow. I see the you that jammed with me and learned every song I wanted to sing in the piano room.

I like how I automatically feel comfortable with you right away. and though I loved the past you. I love the present you as well. when you offered to come to the airport right away when my flight was delayed and take me out for food. you’re absolutely ridiculous, you know that? we’re not without our imperfections, but I can love you past them and I can’t say that for everybody, you know? if you weren’t alice, I would’ve dropped you like a hot potato.

it saddens me a bit that I don’t know every single detail about you in the present. I want to know everything, to have you just tell me all your feelings. to have you cry in front of me and bare it all. LOL, I’m forceful like that. wow I can’t give anybody any room.

we have such a special history that weaves into the present. and out of all my best friends, it’s just very meaningful to me that you are the only one that actually knew my mom and that you were there when she passed away. not that my friends now can help not knowing, but you were right there during the hardest time of my life. and that can’t be changed. not that you knew my mom super well, but things at home were hard for me. and I never told you this because I tried to be all smiles around you, but you and your house were like a weekend haven for me.

when I struggled with anita ahyi, adults had to tell me all the right answers you know. tell me that I need to be understanding. tell me that I had to try to accept things. but you were there to tell me that when things sucked for me, they really sucked. you were candidly honest to a point where you would have me crack up laughing. and I loved you for that. my heart is literally warming up as I write this (gosh I’m such a feely feeler).

a lot of eyes are on you, concern and worry that you don’t want. you were the golden girl. serving in every possible way. I hated that part, remember? the unwanted attention. I would plead with you to stay by my side when elders came to try to talk to me. “pretend you’re immersed in a deep conversation with me, al!” LOL, asian adults don’t care at all about interrupting though. haha, they barge right in. I smiled for them though. you don’t even do that. ahaha, do you purposely try to intimidate people? like seriously, if you weren’t my girl I would probably be intimidated as well. but look how things have flipped. you’re the one under scrutiny now. remember when I would be bouncing off the walls because I was so excited to go to church and you were like “noooooo.” OHMY, three years ago when the first sunday rolled around. and church was closed because we had a freaking ice storm. =____= that was so stupid. I had been so excited to go.

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(^lookit that. remember when everything freezed over and electricity went out. and we all blamed the cold on me cause I pray for intense snow every time I come back. LOL. God loves me.)

I wish I could shield you from all the attention you don’t want. I was always a bit sad you didn’t see church the same way I did. I loved newlife and all of it. the structure and the people (well maybe excluding a certain grandma. LOL. YOU KNOW). I hope you find a church that really feels like a family someday. it doesn’t have to be newlife, but just a church where you really feel deeply and truly loved by the people around you. every church has it’s imperfections and aspects that can hurt. but push through, al. you’re a warrior, aren’t you?

my prayers for you:

  1. you’ll be able to have truly restful nights where sleep comes easy again.
  2. talk to God. find a heart of worship again (that’s my fav worship song if you remember).

be nice to your family by also taking good care of yourself. parents seem so strong, like they’ll alway be there to support us, right? but they’re getting old. we’re the adults now. it’s our time to shine and start taking care of them.

I’m gonna end with a few compliments cause you’re so self-absorbed LOL. constantly checking up on your appearance, snap chatting how good you look and hitting up the gym pretty much every day. we’ve all agreed that you have absolute gorgeous hair from day one. but my favorite feature of yours is when you laugh genuinely.

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(^your eyes form like perfect half moons! and your smile is so wide with those dimples ^___^  you’ll probably hate me for mentioning your buck teeth. but I have to. you have them and that’s what makes your smile really great and one of a kind).

mang, my heart is filled with so much love as I write this post to you. I would be afraid of smothering my other friends with my love, LOL. and hold back yunno. but not so with you. I’m ok with being the sucker that loves more. (ew, this is getting so mushy. lol, I need to stop).

I probably would’ve pressed you harder and demand all details and information from you in the past. but I struggle too, and I think it’s good because it teaches me how to give space and be understanding. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about all the reasons I left biola or the sadness and confusion I feel sometimes. so right now, we spend most of our time catching up on movies or just doing life together and not talking. and that’s okay for me. someday we’re old and grandmas, we’ll look back to this time of our lives with nostalgia and talk all about our feelings and whirlwind emotions maybe.

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(^ us just lounging around while the boys set up for us, lol).

your friends and your guy probably aren’t the people that I would ever see myself being friends with. I’m a very sheltered asian girl who lives in an asian bubble, as you well know. you were the one who liked making new friends of all kinds. I remember when we went to a retreat, was it JR? anyways we came down for breakfast and found you sitting with an completely different church of all white people. and we were like, what the. hahaha, that’s you. alice the socializer. anyways back to your friends now and your guy. if you care about those people and love them, I will too by extension. if they’re important people to you, then I want to know who they are.

dang, I can’t wait to get past this period of struggle and finding our identities. but continue to fight the good fight (1 tim. 6:12). we were baptized together. I remember I tried to distract you during the process, but you were so concentrated and focused. it got me to be serious about it too. we were young as heck, I don’t think I was really ready. but it’s a special thought to remember that we did it together.

a lot of people ask me about you, lol. I have to remind them that I’m no alice expert either. but remember in the bar I asked a bit about spiritual life and you said you just really don’t know at this point? steven was really curious about you too. I hope you don’t mind that I mentioned that. and he said, “I don’t think it’s not that she doesn’t know. she’s just having too much fun right now. she just doesn’t want to think about it, because that would require her to live in a very different way. if she was really lost, she’d be searching. and I don’t sense that from her.” I don’t know, what do you think? he’s not worried though, he’s sure you’ll come to terms about your faith in the near future. I’m still struggling through my own faith for sure. let’s talk through it.

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(^gosh I really hate that you’re already taller than me).

ahah, as I’m looking through finding good pictures of us, I’m getting overwhelmed by the nostalgia. we have such good pictures of us, let’s be constantly taking more! thank you for being so down for pictures! I have to practically beg Christian >____>

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(^I’ll end on this one. ew the beach, haha. I’ll go for the company thoughs. I love you, al. and I’ll always be praying for you).

sidenote: lol, this was actually the first realtalk I wrote. but because it’s my very heart, I was embarrassed as heck to post. but you gave me the okay after I sent it to you first, so okay (: I think you’re my longest friendship out of my pinnacle of best friends. #GOINGSTRONGTILLWEDIE.

realtalk: for fatso

dear melody.

you’re a feeder. you feed off other people’s energy. you need our reactions to keep your momentum going. and that was cool, because I had a lot to give. I love to play around, you know that. I love being surrounded by people 24/7. always down to get boba, play games, and build bonds.

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(^ luls, did you suggest the bald hats or me? I think it was me.)

I’ve been a bit lost recently, and I know that has affected our friendship a bit. because I’m supposed to give you the cues. draw out the boundaries within which you’re supposed to perform, right? as long as I give you the stage, you know you can do wonders with it. but why am I not giving you that anymore? I see you analyzing me when we hang out. wondering what it is you’re supposed to do. I’ve murked up your role, and you don’t know what to act out. and you’re thinking, maybe I’ve gotten tired of you?

sorry. I know you’ve said you used to have a friend that struggled with depression, and I remember you saying how you think it’s the most selfish thing in the world. maybe so. I don’t know if what I have is depression, dude. still figuring that out. but honestly, even now do I need to paint out your role for you so specifically? do I need to remind of things that you should know? and this is why I call you “stupid”. do you know how many times you’ve asked me whether I think we’ll be friends for longterm? how long I think our friendship will last? whether or not things will draw us apart? I’ve answered this question so many times I don’t even know if you’re listening to me anymore. I’ve started ignoring you, or even saying “maybe it won’t last” to see what that answer will get out of you. I’m going to set things clear right now and never ask me this question again, okay? I hate having to define our friendship every second. be secure. you’ve got this obsession with needing to hear what I think of you.

you’re my best friend. I’m never going to get tired of you, okay? I don’t get that way with people. yes, I think we’ll be friends forever and ever (I’m cringing so hard right now, you don’t even know). even if you move to taiwan and I end up in canada, yes. we’ll be best friends, okay? I think you can say pretty annoying or stupid things sometimes, but I’ll never think  of you as a person as annoying or stupid, alright? so stop being so insecure and questioning our friendship every second, like a spastic golden retriever who can’t calm down. you’ve made it into isabella hu’s golden friend group. it’s not an easy accomplishment and you’re not gonna disappear from it, so relax.

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(^I like our candids. my self-timer camera really is a blessing).

there’s never not anything to talk about, I always have things to talk about even when I’m silent. there’s never a dull moment in my head, I’m pretty much always thinking. but I’m tired of always initiating, always throwing out the topic, always having to come up with what to say. every single conversation starts off with what I feel and what I think, only then can you ease into what you feel like.

you: “how was your day?”

me: “why don’t you tell me about your day first?”

you: “I asked you first.”

me: “I honestly don’t feel like talking right now. you go ahead.

you: “uhm, I went to school for a whole day. yeah. ok. you? what did you do?”

=_____= what the heck. you suck at talking. I know you know this, because I’ve yelled at you for it like a hundred times over. you only do well in group environments where the attention is scattered and people like to talk and you just react to it. do you realize that? you analyze everyone around you, keying into what they like to talk about and giving them that. for example, you’ve keyed into what vivian likes to talk about, same as me. ex-boyfriends and complaining about work. and her reactions are so exaggerated, lol. you can be properly fed from them.

I’ve spent some time thinking about why you are this way. and I’m gonna go ahead and detail my theory here: you’ve caught onto a very important truth. everyone’s favorite topic is themselves. people can go on and on talking about their lives and their feelings. their eyes light up, they get really excited and really into the topic and they can go on and on. and you go with them on that. you make them feel like everything they’re saying is gold. and they get hooked onto spending time with you. and maybe they’ll ask you a question or two to feel like they’re not dominating the conversation. and you throw out a thing or two, but somehow you’ll turn the topic back to talking about them. we can go full hangouts with people and spend the whole time talking about them and never about you. isn’t that amazing?

(LOL, this is also why weird people become low-key obsessed with you. part of me thinks you like the attention a little bit, even though you go on about how freaked out you are. but you’ve got to draw clearer boundaries, bud.)

I’m tired of me right now. I don’t have anything to pull out of my bag anymore. life’s slow for me right now and all my thoughts are at the deep end right now, but I can’t just jump into deep talk right away. so you need to learn to talk without me there to initiate now, okay? sorry I don’t do good in group settings anymore. I’m tired of fluff talk, small talk. that’s your specialty, lol. but meh. quit drawing back and ducking into your shell whenever friendships get hard or too close for the liking. ok? I see you.

let’s talk about things about you that are positive now, ahah.

you and amy are my best friends because we’ve got that connection that I just don’t really know how to explain. with alice, it’s the history. al is family. but back to you. when we hang out, people see it right away. they say we’ve got a unique bond. kitty finds it entertaining, the way our friendship is. midori finds it really interesting and special. melody chang teasingly guilts us on leaving her out of the loop at times. but whatever it is, we’ve got it and people see it. my family hates you, lol. but I just play around when I’m with you and they just want me to be responsible, you know? it’s not really about you, but what they think is the effect that you have on me. anita ahyi has actually clarified that she likes you, just not the influence she thinks you have on me. but even she has said, “I see why you like talking with melody so much, just the way you guys talk.”

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(^car talks. team mellabella LEGGO.)

some friendships with people, I have to try really hard. but with you, it’s effortless. (LOL, heart for china. honestly at biola, I only had a select few as friends. haha, I literally spent like every second with you because it was so much more fun >___>) you make me laugh a lot (you think I’m lying. but I don’t fake laugh with you so seriously, you do). I love going out with you to wherever. honestly, we can be doing whatever and it’d be chill. thank you for knowing me on such a deep level. I basically forced you into a deep, meaningful friendship. I see our friendship ever growing. and maybe even this period of time is meant to grow us and propel us into an even greater friendship. I think  you should train yourself to talk better.

that night when we argued over the movies, I just wanted to you say yes honestly. I guess I am complicated, lol. it hurts my pride to say these things. sometimes I can’t. remember when I forced you to moana despite food poisoning. ohmygosh, you were so close to backing out. I was about to let you. because showing my disappointment hurts my pride. but then I called you to suck it up and come out, and you did. I think I really loved you in that moment. but I had to talk you up to it. with the movie “split”. maybe I could’ve convinced you to it if I tried even harder. you love seeing people put effort into really showing you how much that care about something before you commit. it’s like you have to see that they actually really want a hangout to happen before you agree to it. let’s see you really want for a hangout sometime… yeah? like for food, you always make me pick =___= but I also need to prepare a convincing argument about why we should go to the restaurant I want. so I shut it down, I was honestly annoyed that you were late, that you weren’t picking up. I really wanted you to call me back and stand strong. say we’re gonna hang out no matter what. I love surprises honestly. even though you can’t give them. maybe you should also think about why you have to broadcast each gift and visit =____=

I’ve literally never fought with anyone as much as I do with you, excluding immediate family.

thanks for being the one that usually drives. as you know, I ain’t a fan of it. but seriously, your car needs to be changed (that triple a experience though. that sucked). and also, you always leave food in your car that goes bad and results in a major stinkbomb. why can’t you just let me keep the windows rolled down so I can breathe actual air? =____= BUDDY.

your easy-goingness can be a strength and an annoyance. you don’t need to make light of certain things or respond to every single thing to cheer me up. sometimes things really suck and you just have to listen. what drives me up the wall the most is when you try to offer immediate solutions to things without even hearing out the entire situation. like why do you do that. “look on the bright side!” and “hey, at least you’re not…” I hate these responses. like in canada when I was annoyed with people regarding hangouts.

you: “just bus then! meet them by public transit!”

… cool thanks for solving my entire problem. bye now =___= do you get that? sometimes I don’t wanna talk to you about stuff because I know you’re just gonna make light of it and it’s something that really means a lot to me, yunno? on the other hand, you’ve been exposed to more of my thoughts than anyone else. my godmother in canada is real appreciative of you. I told her of how when I really miss my mom, you’re usually the one I call up while crying my eyes out in the closet >____> yeah I don’t know why I do that closet thing. but do things get to you? do things ever get out of control for you too? I mean, you don’t call me crying your eyes out.

not to say there haven’t been times where you haven’t cheered me up. thanks for having my back during that whole social media thing. lol.

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(^true friend.)

wow, I said I was going to list your postive traits, right? sike. jks, I have listed them. these aren’t negative things I’m saying. just real talk. try to be more introspective and analyze yourself more, yeah? share about your insecurities and fears. I can’t do all the work. sometimes I may even be wrong. and don’t get all defensive trying to explain and defend your actions. just take it as it is. I can clarify, but let’s not get into an argument over this. I’m just sharing honestly here. even your sharing with midori is pretty shallow. and that in turn has me keeping things shallow as well.

I haven’t said this, but I can’t help thinking that the activities you’re involved in now is kinda like an escape for you. I didn’t want to say it outright because I know you find joy in being so involved in your fellowship and club events? but aren’t those talks usually more shallow? I don’t know, we’re opposites in that way. I crave deep talks and just depth, I guess. melody chang has even told me that she doesn’t even know what you’re so busy with lately. it seems like you’re busy. but like, with what? and I had to be like, “same dude.”

dang, I can really go on forever. wow I feel so many things. I hope I’ve clarified things in enough detail for you to understand what I’m saying, stupid. we’ve had so many videochats and whatnot. I hope we can overcome this hurdle so we can grow even closer. always praying for God to be the driving force of our friendship as well. thanks for blessing me with your friendship, mel.

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(^gotta end on a glamor shot of you, right?)