realtalk: for the glamor girl

al.

lol, what do we even talk about when our interests are so vastly different? you are my exact opposite. but despite maybe not knowing my current music tastes or current struggles, you know me in a vastly deep way that can only come from growing up together since toddlerhood. and in the same respect, I know you in a specific way as well.

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(^LOL. that was us in our nerdiest form with those circle glasses. gotta appreciate the time I was actually taller…)

I remember having long conversations with you into the late a.m.’s. there was this one time I was telling you something that was very important to me, and you even replied to me! yet to find out after about five minutes you were simply sleep-talking =___=

it saddened me quite a bit to realize how hard it is to fall asleep now for you when we used to tease you because sleeping was your all-time greatest talent. being able to fall asleep absolutely anywhere in nine seconds flat (I know this for a fact because I actually counted). yet now in the present, you need a lot of background noise and the t.v. blasting to be able to fall asleep.

you don’t know this, but your mom caught me glancing towards you when you fell asleep yet again during one of our movie nights. and she said to me. “alice needs the noise now to fall asleep. it makes her feel safe to hear us.”

I didn’t realize this fact until much later into the trip that you always slept in the living room because that was where the t.v. was. thank you for coming up to stay in the room with me on my first night back at your place. I was slightly confused to hear you tossing and turning when I’m used to you being an absolute dead log. one thing hasn’t changed, you smack your lips when you’re asleep, didya know? haha, every time I catch you doing that I smile a little because no one else I know does it. it’s like your trademark.

you know exactly who my first crush was and I remember yours as well. how amazing because you pretty much only date white guys now, haha. you’re the one that I told all everything to. giggling as we gave them nicknames so no one would know who they were when we talked about them. being absolutely horrified when your mom would tell us that she heard everything we said the next day. ugh, I’m still embarrassed just thinking about it.

your family is the kindest, most loving family I know. I know it can get hard when people seem to take advantage of your family’s kindness sometimes. it seems like all they do is give, and people just receive. but you’ve never held back with me. during my time of greatest need and sorrow, you embraced me into your family without hesitation. I had nothing to give back, in fact I feel like I still receive too much. but you remind me time and time again, that I am a sister to you. and that absolutely gets me.

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(^I love this one because I told us to make serious faces. but I messed up and made you mess up too.)

you’re not a perfect person, lol. you can be mean and sarcastic. I don’t agree with everything you do. I know you hold things back with me sometimes. but gosh, I still love you like heck. when I see you, I don’t just see the heavy eyeliner your lazy butt doesn’t wash off at night. I don’t just see your long witch-like polished nails and those distracted eyes as they glance at your phone at every notification (LOL, side note: but your eyesight is so bad. hahaha, you hold the phone like an inch away from your face). I see the you that promised to beat up anybody that hurt my feelings when I cried into your zebra-patterned pillow. I see the you that jammed with me and learned every song I wanted to sing in the piano room.

I like how I automatically feel comfortable with you right away. and though I loved the past you. I love the present you as well. when you offered to come to the airport right away when my flight was delayed and take me out for food. you’re absolutely ridiculous, you know that? we’re not without our imperfections, but I can love you past them and I can’t say that for everybody, you know? if you weren’t alice, I would’ve dropped you like a hot potato.

it saddens me a bit that I don’t know every single detail about you in the present. I want to know everything, to have you just tell me all your feelings. to have you cry in front of me and bare it all. LOL, I’m forceful like that. wow I can’t give anybody any room.

we have such a special history that weaves into the present. and out of all my best friends, it’s just very meaningful to me that you are the only one that actually knew my mom and that you were there when she passed away. not that my friends now can help not knowing, but you were right there during the hardest time of my life. and that can’t be changed. not that you knew my mom super well, but things at home were hard for me. and I never told you this because I tried to be all smiles around you, but you and your house were like a weekend haven for me.

when I struggled with anita ahyi, adults had to tell me all the right answers you know. tell me that I need to be understanding. tell me that I had to try to accept things. but you were there to tell me that when things sucked for me, they really sucked. you were candidly honest to a point where you would have me crack up laughing. and I loved you for that. my heart is literally warming up as I write this (gosh I’m such a feely feeler).

a lot of eyes are on you, concern and worry that you don’t want. you were the golden girl. serving in every possible way. I hated that part, remember? the unwanted attention. I would plead with you to stay by my side when elders came to try to talk to me. “pretend you’re immersed in a deep conversation with me, al!” LOL, asian adults don’t care at all about interrupting though. haha, they barge right in. I smiled for them though. you don’t even do that. ahaha, do you purposely try to intimidate people? like seriously, if you weren’t my girl I would probably be intimidated as well. but look how things have flipped. you’re the one under scrutiny now. remember when I would be bouncing off the walls because I was so excited to go to church and you were like “noooooo.” OHMY, three years ago when the first sunday rolled around. and church was closed because we had a freaking ice storm. =____= that was so stupid. I had been so excited to go.

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(^lookit that. remember when everything freezed over and electricity went out. and we all blamed the cold on me cause I pray for intense snow every time I come back. LOL. God loves me.)

I wish I could shield you from all the attention you don’t want. I was always a bit sad you didn’t see church the same way I did. I loved newlife and all of it. the structure and the people (well maybe excluding a certain grandma. LOL. YOU KNOW). I hope you find a church that really feels like a family someday. it doesn’t have to be newlife, but just a church where you really feel deeply and truly loved by the people around you. every church has it’s imperfections and aspects that can hurt. but push through, al. you’re a warrior, aren’t you?

my prayers for you:

  1. you’ll be able to have truly restful nights where sleep comes easy again.
  2. talk to God. find a heart of worship again (that’s my fav worship song if you remember).

be nice to your family by also taking good care of yourself. parents seem so strong, like they’ll alway be there to support us, right? but they’re getting old. we’re the adults now. it’s our time to shine and start taking care of them.

I’m gonna end with a few compliments cause you’re so self-absorbed LOL. constantly checking up on your appearance, snap chatting how good you look and hitting up the gym pretty much every day. we’ve all agreed that you have absolute gorgeous hair from day one. but my favorite feature of yours is when you laugh genuinely.

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(^your eyes form like perfect half moons! and your smile is so wide with those dimples ^___^ ¬†you’ll probably hate me for mentioning your buck teeth. but I have to. you have them and that’s what makes your smile really great and one of a kind).

mang, my heart is filled with so much love as I write this post to you. I would be afraid of smothering my other friends with my love, LOL. and hold back yunno. but not so with you. I’m ok with being the sucker that loves more. (ew, this is getting so mushy. lol, I need to stop).

I probably would’ve pressed you harder and demand all details and information from you in the past. but I struggle too, and I think it’s good because it teaches me how to give space and be understanding. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about all the reasons I left biola or the sadness and confusion I feel sometimes. so right now, we spend most of our time catching up on movies or just doing life together and not talking. and that’s okay for me. someday we’re old and grandmas, we’ll look back to this time of our lives with nostalgia and talk all about our feelings and whirlwind emotions maybe.

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(^ us just lounging around while the boys set up for us, lol).

your friends and your guy probably aren’t the people that I would ever see myself being friends with. I’m a very sheltered asian girl who lives in an asian bubble, as you well know. you were the one who liked making new friends of all kinds. I remember when we went to a retreat, was it JR? anyways we came down for breakfast and found you sitting with an completely different church of all white people. and we were like, what the. hahaha, that’s you. alice the socializer. anyways back to your friends now and your guy. if you care about those people and love them, I will too by extension. if they’re important people to you, then I want to know who they are.

dang, I can’t wait to get past this period of struggle and finding our identities. but continue to fight the good fight (1 tim. 6:12). we were baptized together. I remember I tried to distract you during the process, but you were so concentrated and focused. it got me to be serious about it too. we were young as heck, I don’t think I was really ready. but it’s a special thought to remember that we did it together.

a lot of people ask me about you, lol. I have to remind them that I’m no alice expert either. but remember in the bar I asked a bit about spiritual life and you said you just really don’t know at this point? steven was really curious about you too. I hope you don’t mind that I mentioned that. and he said, “I don’t think it’s not that she doesn’t know. she’s just having too much fun right now. she just doesn’t want to think about it, because that would require her to live in a very different way. if she was really lost, she’d be searching. and I don’t sense that from her.” I don’t know, what do you think? he’s not worried though, he’s sure you’ll come to terms about your faith in the near future. I’m still struggling through my own faith for sure. let’s talk through it.

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(^gosh I really hate that you’re already taller than me).

ahah, as I’m looking through finding good pictures of us, I’m getting overwhelmed by the nostalgia. we have such good pictures of us, let’s be constantly taking more! thank you for being so down for pictures! I have to practically beg Christian >____>

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(^I’ll end on this one. ew the beach, haha. I’ll go for the company thoughs. I love you, al. and I’ll always be praying for you).

sidenote: lol, this was actually the first realtalk I wrote. but because it’s my very heart, I was embarrassed as heck to post. but you gave me the okay after I sent it to you first, so okay (: I think you’re my longest friendship out of my pinnacle of best friends. #GOINGSTRONGTILLWEDIE.

great adventure to the local playground. much wow.

so like, I’m twenty-one and I got myself a two year old baby brother. his name’s isaac. and I wanna say it’s not just my own bias speaking here, but he’s pretty good-looking for a baby! here, take a look for yourself :fullsizeoutput_890.jpeg

am I right or am I right? don’t worry though, he’s not perfect by any means. he still speaks pretty incoherently :/ he be coasting on his good looks and cute right nows. needless to say, he attracts some attention. this one time, we were out and about. I struck up a conversation with another mother on the playground. and she asked me how old he was. I hesitated.

“uhm, I think he’s about two and a coupla months. like 4 months I’d say?”

(I had asked her how old her child was and she was able to give the exact number of months on him. that startled me and I felt pressured to throw in specifics and try to name isaac’s months of aliveness as well).

“uh- is he not your son?”

she looked pretty freaked out here. who exactly was I? lol.

“I’m his sister.” I clarified.

“ah!” she responded, relieved at having identified me. “sorry about that.” she murmured in embarrassment.

I get mistaken for his mom all the time. which isn’t offensive to me, but weird. that people think I have what it takes to be a mom, lol what the. I am still child. what are you guys even thinking, I still need love and care myself. sometimes I’m stuck looking after the little punk from time to time and his utter dependence on me still comes as a surprise to me. like, who am I? but I’m already adulting. and having to care for the rascal has helped me towards that realization.

we often head out to the playground (our attempt to throw him into the outside world so he’s not just home watching barney). down below he be waiting on me so we can get our show on the road. not exactly easy getting him to stay still for pictures, but I’m a fantastic photographer, so yunno. he doesn’t smile that often, he maintains a serious face. which is really awkward when strangers coo at him in attempt to get a response out of him and he just ignores them or hits them with this blank look. MERP.

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it’s relaxing hitting up the playground with him, but sometimes it can feel like I’m wasting time. it can even get downright boring (lol, I don’t love him enough). I mean, he’s entranced by the the stairs and slides for a lengthy amount of time. his love for slides very apparent in the picture below though…

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ahahs. anyways, he doesn’t even allow me to sit on the side and swipe through my phone like the other playground parents. I must also play and wander through the playground structure with him =____= he’ll come drag me.

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and he’s learned “please” now. and it’s quite the challenge to turn him down when he utters that phrase so piteously in that almost incomprehensible way cause he can’t quite pronounce it perfectly. that’s not even the worst part. he makes a huge scene whenever we need to head on home. he cries, he plops down and lies down in the middle of the sidewalk. fun galore when he throws his mini tantrums though.

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^LOL. his crying face and attempts to drag me back to the playground though. let’s see another!

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AWH. luls, sorry bud.

he’s taught me quite a lot. it’s definitely interesting having a baby around the house. I can barely remember what it was like without him in our lives, making our every moment a torment. jks, we spoil him. I’m like an adult, he’s practically an only child to an older set of parents. he’s already getting away with things I never would have, and he has zero fear when we scold him, LOL. my dad used to have a whole bamboo stick thing going on, what happened to that? anyways, I complain about the little guy all the time. but yeah fine, he be a blessing. and I’m thankful for the brat. thanks for taking some of the attention off me and giving me a little breathing space from the family LOL. grow up well. I hope the many hours I invest in your little life will be appreciated by your older self >___>

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