realtalk: for fatso

dear melody.

you’re a feeder. you feed off other people’s energy. you need our reactions to keep your momentum going. and that was cool, because I had a lot to give. I love to play around, you know that. I love being surrounded by people 24/7. always down to get boba, play games, and build bonds.

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(^ luls, did you suggest the bald hats or me? I think it was me.)

I’ve been a bit lost recently, and I know that has affected our friendship a bit. because I’m supposed to give you the cues. draw out the boundaries within which you’re supposed to perform, right? as long as I give you the stage, you know you can do wonders with it. but why am I not giving you that anymore? I see you analyzing me when we hang out. wondering what it is you’re supposed to do. I’ve murked up your role, and you don’t know what to act out. and you’re thinking, maybe I’ve gotten tired of you?

sorry. I know you’ve said you used to have a friend that struggled with depression, and I remember you saying how you think it’s the most selfish thing in the world. maybe so. I don’t know if what I have is depression, dude. still figuring that out. but honestly, even now do I need to paint out your role for you so specifically? do I need to remind of things that you should know? and this is why I call you “stupid”. do you know how many times you’ve asked me whether I think we’ll be friends for longterm? how long I think our friendship will last? whether or not things will draw us apart? I’ve answered this question so many times I don’t even know if you’re listening to me anymore. I’ve started ignoring you, or even saying “maybe it won’t last” to see what that answer will get out of you. I’m going to set things clear right now and never ask me this question again, okay? I hate having to define our friendship every second. be secure. you’ve got this obsession with needing to hear what I think of you.

you’re my best friend. I’m never going to get tired of you, okay? I don’t get that way with people. yes, I think we’ll be friends forever and ever (I’m cringing so hard right now, you don’t even know). even if you move to taiwan and I end up in canada, yes. we’ll be best friends, okay? I think you can say pretty annoying or stupid things sometimes, but I’ll never think  of you as a person as annoying or stupid, alright? so stop being so insecure and questioning our friendship every second, like a spastic golden retriever who can’t calm down. you’ve made it into isabella hu’s golden friend group. it’s not an easy accomplishment and you’re not gonna disappear from it, so relax.

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(^I like our candids. my self-timer camera really is a blessing).

there’s never not anything to talk about, I always have things to talk about even when I’m silent. there’s never a dull moment in my head, I’m pretty much always thinking. but I’m tired of always initiating, always throwing out the topic, always having to come up with what to say. every single conversation starts off with what I feel and what I think, only then can you ease into what you feel like.

you: “how was your day?”

me: “why don’t you tell me about your day first?”

you: “I asked you first.”

me: “I honestly don’t feel like talking right now. you go ahead.

you: “uhm, I went to school for a whole day. yeah. ok. you? what did you do?”

=_____= what the heck. you suck at talking. I know you know this, because I’ve yelled at you for it like a hundred times over. you only do well in group environments where the attention is scattered and people like to talk and you just react to it. do you realize that? you analyze everyone around you, keying into what they like to talk about and giving them that. for example, you’ve keyed into what vivian likes to talk about, same as me. ex-boyfriends and complaining about work. and her reactions are so exaggerated, lol. you can be properly fed from them.

I’ve spent some time thinking about why you are this way. and I’m gonna go ahead and detail my theory here: you’ve caught onto a very important truth. everyone’s favorite topic is themselves. people can go on and on talking about their lives and their feelings. their eyes light up, they get really excited and really into the topic and they can go on and on. and you go with them on that. you make them feel like everything they’re saying is gold. and they get hooked onto spending time with you. and maybe they’ll ask you a question or two to feel like they’re not dominating the conversation. and you throw out a thing or two, but somehow you’ll turn the topic back to talking about them. we can go full hangouts with people and spend the whole time talking about them and never about you. isn’t that amazing?

(LOL, this is also why weird people become low-key obsessed with you. part of me thinks you like the attention a little bit, even though you go on about how freaked out you are. but you’ve got to draw clearer boundaries, bud.)

I’m tired of me right now. I don’t have anything to pull out of my bag anymore. life’s slow for me right now and all my thoughts are at the deep end right now, but I can’t just jump into deep talk right away. so you need to learn to talk without me there to initiate now, okay? sorry I don’t do good in group settings anymore. I’m tired of fluff talk, small talk. that’s your specialty, lol. but meh. quit drawing back and ducking into your shell whenever friendships get hard or too close for the liking. ok? I see you.

let’s talk about things about you that are positive now, ahah.

you and amy are my best friends because we’ve got that connection that I just don’t really know how to explain. with alice, it’s the history. al is family. but back to you. when we hang out, people see it right away. they say we’ve got a unique bond. kitty finds it entertaining, the way our friendship is. midori finds it really interesting and special. melody chang teasingly guilts us on leaving her out of the loop at times. but whatever it is, we’ve got it and people see it. my family hates you, lol. but I just play around when I’m with you and they just want me to be responsible, you know? it’s not really about you, but what they think is the effect that you have on me. anita ahyi has actually clarified that she likes you, just not the influence she thinks you have on me. but even she has said, “I see why you like talking with melody so much, just the way you guys talk.”

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(^car talks. team mellabella LEGGO.)

some friendships with people, I have to try really hard. but with you, it’s effortless. (LOL, heart for china. honestly at biola, I only had a select few as friends. haha, I literally spent like every second with you because it was so much more fun >___>) you make me laugh a lot (you think I’m lying. but I don’t fake laugh with you so seriously, you do). I love going out with you to wherever. honestly, we can be doing whatever and it’d be chill. thank you for knowing me on such a deep level. I basically forced you into a deep, meaningful friendship. I see our friendship ever growing. and maybe even this period of time is meant to grow us and propel us into an even greater friendship. I think  you should train yourself to talk better.

that night when we argued over the movies, I just wanted to you say yes honestly. I guess I am complicated, lol. it hurts my pride to say these things. sometimes I can’t. remember when I forced you to moana despite food poisoning. ohmygosh, you were so close to backing out. I was about to let you. because showing my disappointment hurts my pride. but then I called you to suck it up and come out, and you did. I think I really loved you in that moment. but I had to talk you up to it. with the movie “split”. maybe I could’ve convinced you to it if I tried even harder. you love seeing people put effort into really showing you how much that care about something before you commit. it’s like you have to see that they actually really want a hangout to happen before you agree to it. let’s see you really want for a hangout sometime… yeah? like for food, you always make me pick =___= but I also need to prepare a convincing argument about why we should go to the restaurant I want. so I shut it down, I was honestly annoyed that you were late, that you weren’t picking up. I really wanted you to call me back and stand strong. say we’re gonna hang out no matter what. I love surprises honestly. even though you can’t give them. maybe you should also think about why you have to broadcast each gift and visit =____=

I’ve literally never fought with anyone as much as I do with you, excluding immediate family.

thanks for being the one that usually drives. as you know, I ain’t a fan of it. but seriously, your car needs to be changed (that triple a experience though. that sucked). and also, you always leave food in your car that goes bad and results in a major stinkbomb. why can’t you just let me keep the windows rolled down so I can breathe actual air? =____= BUDDY.

your easy-goingness can be a strength and an annoyance. you don’t need to make light of certain things or respond to every single thing to cheer me up. sometimes things really suck and you just have to listen. what drives me up the wall the most is when you try to offer immediate solutions to things without even hearing out the entire situation. like why do you do that. “look on the bright side!” and “hey, at least you’re not…” I hate these responses. like in canada when I was annoyed with people regarding hangouts.

you: “just bus then! meet them by public transit!”

… cool thanks for solving my entire problem. bye now =___= do you get that? sometimes I don’t wanna talk to you about stuff because I know you’re just gonna make light of it and it’s something that really means a lot to me, yunno? on the other hand, you’ve been exposed to more of my thoughts than anyone else. my godmother in canada is real appreciative of you. I told her of how when I really miss my mom, you’re usually the one I call up while crying my eyes out in the closet >____> yeah I don’t know why I do that closet thing. but do things get to you? do things ever get out of control for you too? I mean, you don’t call me crying your eyes out.

not to say there haven’t been times where you haven’t cheered me up. thanks for having my back during that whole social media thing. lol.

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(^true friend.)

wow, I said I was going to list your postive traits, right? sike. jks, I have listed them. these aren’t negative things I’m saying. just real talk. try to be more introspective and analyze yourself more, yeah? share about your insecurities and fears. I can’t do all the work. sometimes I may even be wrong. and don’t get all defensive trying to explain and defend your actions. just take it as it is. I can clarify, but let’s not get into an argument over this. I’m just sharing honestly here. even your sharing with midori is pretty shallow. and that in turn has me keeping things shallow as well.

I haven’t said this, but I can’t help thinking that the activities you’re involved in now is kinda like an escape for you. I didn’t want to say it outright because I know you find joy in being so involved in your fellowship and club events? but aren’t those talks usually more shallow? I don’t know, we’re opposites in that way. I crave deep talks and just depth, I guess. melody chang has even told me that she doesn’t even know what you’re so busy with lately. it seems like you’re busy. but like, with what? and I had to be like, “same dude.”

dang, I can really go on forever. wow I feel so many things. I hope I’ve clarified things in enough detail for you to understand what I’m saying, stupid. we’ve had so many videochats and whatnot. I hope we can overcome this hurdle so we can grow even closer. always praying for God to be the driving force of our friendship as well. thanks for blessing me with your friendship, mel.

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(^gotta end on a glamor shot of you, right?)

great adventure to the local playground. much wow.

so like, I’m twenty-one and I got myself a two year old baby brother. his name’s isaac. and I wanna say it’s not just my own bias speaking here, but he’s pretty good-looking for a baby! here, take a look for yourself :fullsizeoutput_890.jpeg

am I right or am I right? don’t worry though, he’s not perfect by any means. he still speaks pretty incoherently :/ he be coasting on his good looks and cute right nows. needless to say, he attracts some attention. this one time, we were out and about. I struck up a conversation with another mother on the playground. and she asked me how old he was. I hesitated.

“uhm, I think he’s about two and a coupla months. like 4 months I’d say?”

(I had asked her how old her child was and she was able to give the exact number of months on him. that startled me and I felt pressured to throw in specifics and try to name isaac’s months of aliveness as well).

“uh- is he not your son?”

she looked pretty freaked out here. who exactly was I? lol.

“I’m his sister.” I clarified.

“ah!” she responded, relieved at having identified me. “sorry about that.” she murmured in embarrassment.

I get mistaken for his mom all the time. which isn’t offensive to me, but weird. that people think I have what it takes to be a mom, lol what the. I am still child. what are you guys even thinking, I still need love and care myself. sometimes I’m stuck looking after the little punk from time to time and his utter dependence on me still comes as a surprise to me. like, who am I? but I’m already adulting. and having to care for the rascal has helped me towards that realization.

we often head out to the playground (our attempt to throw him into the outside world so he’s not just home watching barney). down below he be waiting on me so we can get our show on the road. not exactly easy getting him to stay still for pictures, but I’m a fantastic photographer, so yunno. he doesn’t smile that often, he maintains a serious face. which is really awkward when strangers coo at him in attempt to get a response out of him and he just ignores them or hits them with this blank look. MERP.

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it’s relaxing hitting up the playground with him, but sometimes it can feel like I’m wasting time. it can even get downright boring (lol, I don’t love him enough). I mean, he’s entranced by the the stairs and slides for a lengthy amount of time. his love for slides very apparent in the picture below though…

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ahahs. anyways, he doesn’t even allow me to sit on the side and swipe through my phone like the other playground parents. I must also play and wander through the playground structure with him =____= he’ll come drag me.

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and he’s learned “please” now. and it’s quite the challenge to turn him down when he utters that phrase so piteously in that almost incomprehensible way cause he can’t quite pronounce it perfectly. that’s not even the worst part. he makes a huge scene whenever we need to head on home. he cries, he plops down and lies down in the middle of the sidewalk. fun galore when he throws his mini tantrums though.

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^LOL. his crying face and attempts to drag me back to the playground though. let’s see another!

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AWH. luls, sorry bud.

he’s taught me quite a lot. it’s definitely interesting having a baby around the house. I can barely remember what it was like without him in our lives, making our every moment a torment. jks, we spoil him. I’m like an adult, he’s practically an only child to an older set of parents. he’s already getting away with things I never would have, and he has zero fear when we scold him, LOL. my dad used to have a whole bamboo stick thing going on, what happened to that? anyways, I complain about the little guy all the time. but yeah fine, he be a blessing. and I’m thankful for the brat. thanks for taking some of the attention off me and giving me a little breathing space from the family LOL. grow up well. I hope the many hours I invest in your little life will be appreciated by your older self >___>

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