fresh.

take a breath. take two.

awaken, oh sleeper. don’t you think you’ve been in slumber long enough? clear away the cobwebs and dust settled.

when did your tomorrows stop holding mystery and excitement? if I speak of hope and passion, will you still comprehend what those are?

refresh, heart beat fast.

tomorrows come because I want them.

eyes- don’t fade out, don’t grow dim.

brighten up and analyze.

can I make a suggestion? that you wise-

up! stay alert, don’t fall inert.

take every chance and think bigger,

it’s limitless, think vigor.

stretch dormant muscles, reach high.

it’s not uncool to make an effort, so try-

harder than this, all I see is potential.

that you’re wasting, you’ve forgotten the essential.

so remember-

remember who you are and who you’re made to be.

give me a head ups when you stop turning blind eyes and set yourself free.

 

 

 

falling into default mode.

let’s take the easy road. say the first things we think of. act on our immediate instincts. instant gratification is the way to go. generic statements are all we spew.

“oh cool.”

“that’s something.”

“i’m good.”

let me ask you this: “what is original thought?”

*silence*

“sorry, what? i wasn’t listening.”

let’s not really actually take the time to focus on the words others try to say. only your own thoughts matter. other people are projections of a reality where only you reside. but to say that would be rude, so just put on a pretense. nod your head, say your “hms”, repeat back what they said to you in a question form. do those things, but feel free to let your eyes drift to your phone or to the environment around while they drone on in the background -oh wait, they said something that involves you! tune in for a second… aaand alright it’s fine to get distracted now, they’re back to themselves. feel free to go back to yourself.

perpetual routine. and put that on repeat. you know the steps so well since you do them everyday. you hate, simply tracing the same lines. it’s so familiar you could do it in your sleep, and still you trace away. it’s all you know. it’s you, it’s your very identity. to stop would be to stop being.

let’s stay stagnant, let’s stop growing or learning. we can only do what we’re told, what we’re assigned, and the less we must do, the better.

the whole thing is awful, I feel sick to my very core, as if my bones were dipped in fatigue and all motivation and passion were seeped out of my body is a slow, but steady process. I hate it, I hate it all so much… but give it to me again tomorrow. I take it daily, I’ve done it countless times and I will continue to do so infinitely. I can abhor it with my entire being, detest it all so much I want to puke blood- anything to make the mundane humdrum come to an end. but then so would I. the very thing has become myself. so I must continue, because I must be.

 

tired.

if I stop holding on so tightly, will you simply slip away? so I gave it a try. I was hoping to find that you were also holding on as tightly as I.

but you took a breath and said “thank God, I was feeling suffocated.”

I’m so tired of this game we play, where I hold onto everyone tightly, moving them to where I want them to be. so I’ve decided to let go and let the pieces fall where they will.

I know you care as well, but not as deeply and intensely as I do. and I suddenly feel so tired.

why do people you love the most have to be the ones that hurt you the most?

cycles of emotions.

feeling stung. hurt. betrayed. sad. indignant. angry. resigned. and lastly exhaustion. heavy exhaustion. what do I do now? the ones who care less seem to be the winners. so how do I become that? how do I stop feeling so severely, so acutely?

i’m sad ’cause loneliness.

I am so very much an extrovert. where I draw energy from being around people.

I wish I was surrounded by peoples 24/7. loneliness is a thing and I hate it. there’s no such thing as “alone time” being needed for me. (lol, I shocked the heck out of my introvert friends with this statement). I am trying so hard to be content with me. with being by myself, all by my lonesome. because that kind of intense dependency that I have on my friends scares me.

I try to hide how much I love being in company. I say comments like: “I am ready to go home” after being insulted by my friends. and it slightly surprised me when edith was like “you’re not really gonna go home!” because of how completely true it was and how completely sure she seemed of it. or when we needed to relocate this one time because it was closing time for a restaurant and I was like, “we need to go… outside.” and edith caught me again. and she responded like, “but JUST outside, NOT go home.” and it struck me again. is it so obvious how much I hate going home and being alone? oh gosh, how I wish to be an introvert. to love quiet time by myself. now that’s sounds like a solid thing to find enjoyment in. no need to think twice about boundaries, being overly reliant, or just plain miserable when I seem to enjoy and need other people more than they enjoy or need me.

I love huge families. I’ve been “kinda adopted” into two.

firstly my canadian family, and my godfamily (gosh how I love them).

they are the most loving people I know and I wish I could spend all of my time with them because they love me so very well and so very much it is all so humbling because what did I do to deserve such wonderful people in my life. my heart feels warm and tingly just thinking about them. but distances is hard. and there’s this real thing where I want to keep my image that I’m doing very very well. I once wrote a really heartbreaking letter where I missed them so much I wished they were my real family and my godmother cried and I just can’t. so I don’t want to do that thing where I make them cry. I want them to be proud of me and rest secure that I am good and doing quite well though it may not be necessarily true. I watched this korean drama where there is this scene where a student is calling back home to his mom and insisting that he is eating all his meals and doing very well academically when really he is really struggling financially and eating a really cheap meal. and I just relate to that so much wow. everyday I think at least once about how much I wish to go back. everyone is sick of hearing me talk about it but it is right there on my mind what can I do, lol. I must vocalize.

second makeshift family, hi clan.

I spend a huge amount of time with these peoples, lol. and I honestly love the bustle and noise of people so much. they drove me home just now and not having to guide them and just knowing full well that they will get me home safe ’cause we go to each other houses on like, a weekly basis. that is something that is very nice. music playing in the background as they begin to dance along at the chorus. they are goofs. the silence is comfortable, but I also enjoy hearing their voices. side conversations happening in front while I lightly engage in conversations in the back. I wish my entire life consisted of these moments. of feeling safe, surrounded, and loved. and that’s when I begin to feel sad, because the moment will soon be over.

and so  here I am. internet-ing until I am so exhausted I have no energy to think about how extremely lonely I feel and the sadness that comes along with that. I have tried so hard at being ok with being alone. but it is all so difficult. when my clan is ready to have their own family family time. uhm merp, fomo is real lol. but hey, what can I say. they’re not doing anything wrong by wanting to spend time with blood, yeah?

and all this just makes me miss my mom so much. it is so very hard to find contentment in my own family. isaac is a baby. lol what can he understand. don’t get me wrong, I love him to death but like- I am still very lonely. and dad. oh dad. patience is required. I feel like there are moments where I fully appreciate who you are and thankful for you as a dad. but dispersed interactions with time limits are what works for us currently. and anita ahyi. I feel that slight ocd-ness in you and it has been difficult to find a balance between our very different ways of living. we’ve both tried, but I think that slight awkwardness will always be present. that’s just how things are.

my loneliness is so especially tangible in this moment, it’s hard to bear.

psalm 25:16-17

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.

(^accurate depiction).

I would also like to talk about when Jesus was in the garden of gethsemane. I cannot at all fathom what it felt like to be in His position at that very moment. but as He pleads with his disciples to keep watch with Him. I feel a glimmer of that desperation. so thank you for this trial of loneliness to understand our Savior a bit more and draw closer to Him. thank you for the family that I do have currently. they are good and I am definitely blessed to have them. but it is still very difficult, and I just miss mom so incredibly much ok, if you did not get that. (I really want to go to her grave and just sit there for a bit and cry right now the feeling is overwhelming) so please. draw me to nearer to You, oh Lord. and nearer still and bring comfort.

 

the boat that could no longer race.

the children eagerly prepared their small boats to race down the river. the air tasted crisp and lovely, laughter and excitement so tangible it was in every breath the children took in.

simon was the expert on all things boats. almost everyone had multiple boats, backups were always safe to have and all children took boat racing very seriously. the children would usually name their boats after their very hopes and dreams.

rafe had “Valiant Viper” painted in bold letters on each side of his boat. he had grown up on books of knights and obsessed over all things snakes. he wanted to be courageous and crafty, and so he was such. Valiant Viper floated down the river quickly and speedily and got scratched up half the time. however it would win a few races here and there because of how boldly it took new shortcuts at breakneck speed.

sally named hers “The Rose”. it was elegant and sleek and floated gracefully. The Rose would always sail at a brisk but safe pace but it had a knack for finding swift currents and quick breezes. The Rose managed to pick up one or two victories.

and these were considered names that were quite original. children loved names that would be named for the very best. repeating names was considered a grave sin. children often fought over the rights to a name. the feud between little tom and sam had lasted at least a month when sam decided to be a little snot and name his new boat “Sam Swiftest” after he already knew tom had just painted his boat “Tom Swift” to be clever. and even to this day, sam took extra delight in pronouncing “swift-est” with extra care whenever his boat bested tom’s in speed.

however simon’s “Jenny” was the greatest envy of all the children. it was painted was such care, you couldn’t even see the strokes. after all, they were only children. even if they were as careful and as patient as they could be, the uneven paint strokes on their boats was still visible. none of them knew that simon had hoarded his allowance and skipped out on buying sodas and candies to pay a professional to paint his Jenny. he had named her after his sweetheart and Jenny was such a speedy little boat. kids would gather around simon and watch him with a hawk’s eye, hoping to catch onto how he won so often with so little exertion. but he was a natural, gifted for the sport. and they could not hope to mimic him.

“who was first?” children would ask excitedly.

“oh Jenny of course, but just wait until you hear about how Valiant Viper stole second away from The Rose!  he was a mere coupla seconds away from the finish line when The Rose swooped in from outta nowhere!”

and so it was such, Jenny would always have a solid hold on first place and the children stopped begrudging simon for his wins and took this as something that will always be as they scampered and strained for close seconds.

but as the children grew, change lurked nearby.

simon fell into a passionate affair with his sweetheart and spent less time on his precious Jenny. he used to be constantly checking for signs of wearing, rips in the sails, or rust. but he began to neglect Jenny. however Jenny stayed faithful and steadily scored win after win. and so she was taken for granted by simon himself.

then one day simon’s sweetheart broke his heart. the very heart that had been driving Jenny to victories. and so, Jenny broke as well.

Jenny started fell behind. the others were shocked. first place was suddenly left open for the taking and they quickly overcame their surprise. there victory was! how evasive it used to be and now it was right there for the taking. they surged ahead in excitement. while Jenny slowly fell behind.

simon no longer took pleasure in racing, but it was all he had ever known. all he was ever good at. what would he even do if he stopped? so he continued. rust began to settle on Jenny, he quickly covered it over with paint to hide it. Jenny’s bottom began to wear and he tamped tape on her inside to hold her together. rips began to appear in her sails and he hastily made rough mends with a borrowed sewing kit. racing that used to come so naturally to him began to take its toll.

as they raced, Jenny was not able to score any more victories, but she remained somewhere in the middle of the speeding boats. she became terribly average.

simon didn’t care about how quickly Jenny could make her turns anymore, he barely had it in him to make her set sail. every bit of distance she covered took so much effort out of him. and each race tired him in a way no rest could recover. and Jenny lost speed and fell farther and farther behind until simon grew ashamed. he might not have taken any pleasure in winning anymore but his pride remained and he could not bear to lose so dreadfully.

he learned to train and practice. something he had never had to do before.

he brought Jenny out to the river early in the morning before any of them woke up and practiced making sudden turns, having her float in tight circles or even zigzags to gain complete control over her movements. and he forced Jenny to keep speed. forced himself to deny the sadness that drained at him and practiced smiles in the mirrors.

and still the others whispered, held pity in their eyes when he came around. and simon fell to despair.

they could only talk about how terribly average he had become without realizing how much effort it took him just to be that. they could only talk about what a tragedy it was that Jenny had fallen so far behind when she used to be first. they didn’t see effort, they saw only the result. and it didn’t match up to what it used to be.

simon regretted ever being a victor. now there were expectations of him, expectations he could no longer hope to meet. and so he gave up the race.

he tucked Jenny into the back of his closet and dived into other interests. they were alright. life was alright. but happiness was never quite the same. a quiet sadness tinged the joy till the only sweet he knew was bittersweet.

the allure of being busy.

I don’t miss the stress and anxiety that comes along with being busy, and having deadlines loom over my head. but I do miss that self-importance that comes along, lol. confidence in yourself, in your own plans. getting to pick and choose your timeframe for everything. being able to put all of yourself and all your effort into one specific thing. it especially hits when I hear of people around me doing wonderful, productive things and I just feel like a lump on a log.

so here is the horrible truth, I have so much free time. so much time I don’t even know what to do with all of it.

I recently read a verse in the Bible where that I fully identified with.

james 5:5 “you have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. you have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter.”

so hi me. I pretty much indulge in whatever feels right to me at the moment. eating whatever, watching whatever. no urgency, just quiet desperation. I let myself do this for a while. being busy didn’t make me happy. I pushed myself to do so because all my peers were busy with their studies, their sports, their commitments. and that pleasant self-importance that streams in when you deny hangouts in the name of homework, projects, or early bedtime for work the next day.

but I feel quiet nudges nudging me back towards the highway of life. a quote popped up for me on tumblr (that blasted site that I dearly love).

“Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there’s a tomorrow. Maybe for you there’s one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through you fingers. So much time you can waste it.
But for some of us there’s only today. And the truth is, you never really know.” Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall.

it struck me because that was exactly what I was doing. let time slip through my fingers like coins. and I attended sunday school this past sunday. we’re going through a study of colossians. and chapter 4:5 says “be wise in the way you act towards outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.”

and one of my friends spoke up and said that “time is a commodity that should not be wasted.”

that pulled at my heart. I can’t say I felt instant conviction. not like, whambam and I’m a new person. how can I immerse myself in things that I care nothing about? that was the fight through high school. I don’t even know how I made it through high school to be honest.

but lastly, what tugs at me are the long talks I have with dad. I think I have much more respect for his advice. he’s the only one that has been with me my entire life and I don’t know anyone who knows me better than him. (gosh, as I type these words I miss my mom so much).

he repeats himself nonstop like a broken recorder, he uses the same examples and compares me to my “successful” friends and he can be biased as heck. and the patience it takes to listen to his lecturing usually runs out by the time we hit the first hour mark. sometimes it feels like torture.

however, I can feel how much he cares. he cares so much. as he brings up examples of certain friends I can tell he’s hurt, because in his mind I know he is certain I am smarter than them, better, funnier, more charming, etc. and yet why am I here on the struggle bus going nowhere and they’re where they are at.

I can hear it in the way he talks about their parents. I felt a little guilty here. he’s a pastor, my dad. he’s always on display and so with that I am automatically also on display. I wonder what he is telling people who ask after me. and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that asian parents would ask after me being who they are.

I can hear it in the way he brings up what I am good at, telling me how he knows I’m smart, smarter than he is. also the father in him that tells me exactly what I lack, where I fall behind. as he brings up books, activities, to once again captivate my interest. inspire motivation. lastly he tries the scare tactic. threatening that I would fall far far behind, so far I would not be able to catch up, stuck working minimum pay jobs the rest of my life.

so I gotta do it. for me, for the people I love, and for the people that will be lifted up by what I am holding back. I don’t doubt my ability. another close friend of mine struggles with that. I am fully convinced that I am brilliant. (dad did good in acknowledging that in me, the pride in me would drown out whatever he said next if he refuted that). so the heart. Lord, give me the heart. I’ll fight the temptation to indulge, so give me back my motivation and hope.

also, help me fight temptations… lol. I need help in all aspects. I don’t even know how to start helping myself. so Lord?